Students packing in anticipation of a return to campus for the fall semester are breathing sighs of relief today as the mysterious “1 in 4” campus rapist, also nicknamed “Invisibeau” and “Haven Monahan“, has been positively identified as “Charmander”, a virtual character in the Pokéman universe. Known for his fiery tail and vulnerability to water-themed characters, a worldwide search is underway to capture Charmander as well as his alleged Pokémon co-conspirators: over 15 million volunteers are assisting in the search in the US alone.
For more than a decade, the stealthy Charmander has been raping millions of coeds in ways so devious and confusing that 99.9% of those rapes went completely unreported and unnoticed, and the rare report of these rapes was often dismissed by authorities due to the unlikely and even fantastical descriptions and details provided by the rape victims.
While the nefarious, penis-related and even demonic aspects of Pokémon characters are well known, rape only entered the picture when The Daily Mail reported on a brave Moscow woman, Ekatrina Lysalot (not her real name), who came forward with her harrowing story of being sexually assaulted in her bed after a consensual “play session” with the cellphone application known as Pokémon GO.
[Lysalot] says the Pokemon disappeared when she jumped out of bed – but says the Pokemon GO app on her phone could still detect the same virtual character’s presence on her bed.
She woke up her husband to tell her [sic] what had happened who told police officers that he did not believe her and told her to see a psychiatrist.
Russian news website Bloknot reports that the police did not believe her either and that the woman then went to see a psychic who was unable to help her.
Feminists and their organizations in the US were quick to criticize Moscow police for their failure to “listen and believe” the poor victim. The National Organization of Woman (NOW) is believed to be planning to give Ekatrina a “Woman of Courage” award, the same award they gave performance artist, porn star and former coed Emma “Mattress Girl” Sulkowicz earlier this year.
The identification of the Pokémon rapist offers a surprising solution to the so-called “Dumb Girl” paradox: feminists from President Obama on down have long claimed that 1 in 4 college women are raped but paradoxically less than one in 6000 actually reports an assault. The natural conclusion – that 99.9% of college women are too stupid and/or too craven to report being raped – is known as the “Dumb Girl” paradox since the mismatch in purported rape rates and actual rape reports had no other logical explanation.
However, virtual characters like those tracked by Pokémon GO can go on massive crime sprees due to their ubiquity and their ephemeral, transitory nature in both cyber and meatspace. Virtual copies of Charmander and his gang rape crew can appear anywhere at any time, disconcerting their stunned victims and frustrating the efforts of law enforcement and anti-rape activists to bring this violent scourge to an end.
Compounding the problem is that in the new Pokémon GO, the Pokémon characters are immortal and are thus unstoppable by any known means: they can be stunned in battle (the same way they faint or stun their rape victims) but ultimately the characters can be revived to rape again. The misogynistic rape apologist site Bustle gleefully notes that:
Thankfully, it appears that the Pokemon in “Pokemon Go” are immune to the Grim Reaper! It may seem cruel to pit the creatures against each other in a gym battle for your team’s pride, but Pokemon actually like to fight. They enjoy challenging themselves and displaying their prowess. A Pokemon never dies (hooray!), instead it is “KO’ed” and returns to its ball. Just use a little “Revive” spray and it’ll be ready for another fight!
Of course, “fight” is a code-term in Bustle for rape.
In response to the revelations and facing huge Cliff and Huxtable-level lawsuits, Pokémon GO’s embattled parent Niantic doubled down, claiming that all Pokémon/coed relationships are both consensual and committed, and that any coed caught cheating on her Pokémon will be permanently banned.
Given the contentious and unstable nature of the search for Charmander and the wild rape claims and counter-claims, This website recommends that college men exercise caution, restraint and minimization in their dealings with coeds, and seek companionship, if necessary, from off-campus, non-college partners.
Okay Charmander, you better talk see. Me and the boys know your guilty see so talk you dirty rat.